Maybe It Wasn’t My 100%

On 11 June, exactly at 6:37 PM UPSC CSE preliminary exam results is out with trembling fingers . I typed my roll number in Holy PDF….

“Sorry! Result not found ” Read the screen.

I searched it again and again and the result was the same . I felt a choking sensation in my throat. I was barely able to breathe. Reality hit me hard. I failed to clear the exam again. My hard work, months of discipline, sacrifices, and sleepless nights all felt wasted.

My dreams… and the dreams my parents had woven along with me felt shattered. Tears rolled down my cheeks as I felt the true weight of life pressing in on me. For the past twenty-one years, I had done well in academics. This exam was my second attempt. My second heartbreak. And it hurt even more than the first. But it wasn’t just me. Around 4,85,839 other aspirants across the country had shared this dream of entering the civil services, of being a part of change, of building a better India. Only 14,161 made it through the preliminary exam.

For some, this exam was an option. For others, a means of settling down. For me, this exam was life itself. It was the gateway to my dream of being of some use to my country. And now, that dream had slipped out of my hands. Again. I was totally blank, I just laid down on a mattress. Even though I didn’t know why I was not in the list, I started doubting myself . I could not sleep the whole night.

Next day in the I was with Kalpana ma’am, the Director of Chaitanya organization and my mentor, she noticed that mentally I was somewhere else, so she simply asked me what happened. “All good”, I told her, and then told her I hadn’t been able to clear the UPSC pre exam. She responded simply with, “it’s ok, destiny has something else for you. Just trust the process.” I was unconvinced, even thought her words were soothing. I asked her how it would feel if she had given her 100%, and not get the desired result. Wouldn’t it make her feel like she probably didn’t have it in her to accomplish it?

She smiled and asked, “how do you know it was your 100%. Maybe your true potential is still waiting for you to believe in it. Try again next time. You want to do public service, right? So you have a great opportunity here. You just have to believe in yourself.”

That hit me more than failure. The sentence reminded me of a moment from the Ramayana when Hanumanji stands on the edge of an ocean and not sure whether he could cross it or not, but Jamvat ji reminds him of his power, who he truly was, his true potential.

Sometimes we too forget our strength and ignore our worth. At that time we need someone who gives us a new perspective, a new way of looking at our failure. Someone who can show us the mirror of our own power. It’s not always about trying harder. It’s about breaking the limits we’ve quietly accepted.I don’t know if I’ll clear my exam the next time.But I do know this – that result will never define the limit of my potential. Because maybe… maybe it still won’t my true 100%.