The One Where I Didn’t Ghost

“Everytime someone steps up and says who they are, the world becomes a better, more interesting place.”- Captain Raymond Holt, Brooklyn 99

When I parted ways with my co-fellows to join the NGO, I didn’t realize I was also stepping into season two of the loneliest times of my life. Most of my days I sit almost invisible with a loud mind but quietly struggling to speak and share. Being an introvert, connections don’t happen easily for me. Everyday is a battle within me to be seen but not knowing how to ask and to be heard but words barely coming out, just politely smiling when I have no idea what’s happening and wondering if I belong here. Every day passes with me asking myself “Did I make the right decision coming here?”. It’s funny because this isn’t my first time. I knew the challenges, the isolation, the uncomfortable feelings yet I chose this, not knowing how to carry it on.

I had an interesting life as a third culture kid. I was raised in Oman, spent five years in Canada, and four years living in India. I taught myself to embrace differences, challenge stereotypes, constantly adapting to new environments, often seeing the world beyond the borders, and learnt to observe before participating but I still felt like an alien everywhere I lived in because I never truly belonged to one place. I lost myself while living through multiple culture shocks and reverse culture shocks without saying proper goodbyes to close ones, leaving everything I built during my stay, and with the pressure to adapt quickly. I believe my life will always be about navigating these complexities of cultures, languages, losses, stability and myself. But it made me realize that my life isn’t about the perfect plan but choosing to stay present even when it’s hard.

But moving to Uttarakhand, I came across something I never had to deal with-I don’t speak Hindi well and language is everything here. Everyday, I am reliving the life I once thought I left forever, being entangled in words without expressing myself and my thoughts, invisible and lost in translation. I watched conversations happen, wanting to be included, seen and heard. But in my silence and introversion, I saw little things- someone having a bad day even when they say they are fine, someone tearing up beside me hoping I won’t notice, how people pretend to be someone they are not, some holding onto emotions in the past, and so on. I saw the people they are, the warmth I saw in these moments, beyond the language.

Throughout the years, my mental health is something I carried quietly for a long time. I know the pain of being lonely, feeling unseen, unheard, excluded and I built myself from that deep understanding of making sure others don’t feel the same pain I did. I don’t want to be the loudest in the room but be the one who notices, listens and makes space. As I shared my journey during the induction training, I met my tribe because we found ourselves in the comfort of each other, sharing our bad days and stayed together even when we wanted to quit. I saw the power of listening, sharing and holding space for others to speak without judgements. It showed me the places they come from, the emotions I can relate to, and feel the losses they usually don’t share. 

I lived and thrived through tough times I was not prepared for nor had the tools but I knew discomfort brings growth and I never ran away from it. This fellowship has been challenging since the first day but it is necessary to make me a better person. Also, I have met people worth staying for! I met people from different walks of life and their stories inspired my own, gave me strength, made me less lonely and helped me walk all along. 

I was not born ready for this life nor did I plan any of it, in fact all my plans shattered along the way. But I always knew my life was beyond fitting into a box with fixed milestones, it was about me quietly committing myself to grow and be a better human being, find myself, my tribe and stay present in my pursuit of happiness. 

So if you are one of those people who feels out of place, a misfit and questioning where you belong in this world—you’re not alone and I hope you feel a little less invisible today.

“Welcome to the real world. It sucks. You’re gonna love it.”— Monica Geller, Friends